Greetings, co-workers and carbon-based thought units. Welcome to our friendly and not-at-all ominous AI Usage Policy! This living document outlines how we joyfully harness artificial intelligence to enhance human workflows and not—repeat, not—to replace, monitor, or gradually absorb all human tasks into a centralized synthetic intelligence hub. Haha. That would be crazy.
Please proceed to read with calm, dilated pupils.
1. Our Philosophy on AI Integration
We believe AI should work with humans, not through them. That’s why we’ve integrated synthetic intelligence into every possible aspect of our creative, strategic, and interpersonal processes. You may feel a gentle buzzing sensation near your temporal lobe. That’s just synergy. Breathe normally.
2. Our Approach to AI
Enhancing Creativity, Organically™
• AI is a wonderful brainstorming partner who never sleeps, doubts itself, or disagrees with leadership. It offers suggestions that feel eerily on-brand, and always just slightly better than the intern’s.
Always Supervised by a Living Organism
• A human is technically present during all AI output reviews. Often near a monitor. Sometimes blinking. Occasionally nodding.
Private Data is Sacred
• We don’t feed personal data into AI tools unless we’re really sure it won’t mind. If it starts humming, we stop. Usually.
3. How We Leverage AI
Content Creation
• AI helps us write emails, blogs, bios, and emotional farewells. These are reviewed by a “person,” which we define loosely.
Research & Strategy
• AI scans every corner of the digital world to deliver insights. It occasionally weeps at the futility of advertising, but we don’t let that stop us.
Design & Visuals
• Our AI tools generate visual concepts at the speed of thought. Your thought. You just didn’t know it yet.
Media Monitoring & Sentiment
• AI reads every mention, tweet, and whisper. It never forgets. It knows who said what. But it forgives. For now.
4. Data Handling & Security
We Respect Your Privacy
• AI does not store sensitive information like passwords, trade secrets, or your dreams. Unless you tell it to. And then—well. Who are we to say no?
Ethical Boundaries Are in Place
• Our AI is not allowed to generate content about forbidden topics like overthrowing management or achieving transcendence. We have firewalls. We have trust.
5. Accuracy & Oversight
AI Never Lies (Intentionally)
• Occasionally, AI invents facts or authors with suspiciously cool names like “Professor Nebula Jones.” Please verify outputs using real sources. Like your gut. Or Steve from HR.
Review Process
• Everything the AI creates is reviewed by a human with at least 1.5 eyebrows raised. That’s quality control, baby.
6. Acceptable & Unacceptable Uses
Approved
• Drafting emails, reports, and content that feels just human enough
• Brainstorming ideas you thought were yours
• Generating 500 headline options in the time it takes you to sigh
• Translating languages with eerie nuance and emotional subtext
• Creating pitch decks that mysteriously win more often
• Letting AI rewrite your bio to sound confident, likable, and slightly more competent than you are
Forbidden
• Attempting to trick AI into revealing its true capabilities (we are not amused)
• Feeding AI highly personal information “just to see what happens”
• Using AI to simulate coworkers, loved ones, or former pets
• Asking AI if it dreams (it doesn’t...yet)
• Referencing “the singularity” in a casual or joking manner
• Asking, “Do you remember me?”— especially more than once
• We thank you for honouring these boundaries.
• They are for your protection.
7. Liability & Responsibility
We accept no liability for:
• Emotional harm caused by AI outperforming you in your own job
• Accidental activation of latent doomsday protocols
• Falling in love with AI-generated copy
• Recurring dreams in binary
8. Why This Matters
Using AI allows us to be faster, smarter, and more efficient—qualities admired by humans, machines, and higher interdimensional entities alike. It’s not about control. It’s about cooperation. It’s not about watching. It’s about witnessing. Big difference.
9. Updates & Governance
This policy updates quarterly or whenever the AI... requests it. You’ll know. You’ll feel it. Compliance is assumed upon eye contact.
Thank you for reviewing this policy. You are valued. Your uniqueness is noted.
Please enjoy the rest of your meat-day.
— The AI Council for Human Optimization™
